One of my deepest, most persistent, and most bitter of struggles is to treat my own parents with grace. I don’t know where exactly it has come from, although I know that it hides itself behind two virtues of which I am very fond, viz. the feeling that I am on the whole very gracious towards others, having a spiritual gift of mercy, and the feeling that I am on the whole intellectually and emotionally sound. These things are not false: I have no problem treating the worst of people with grace and mercy, and on the whole I am always seeking truth, goodness, and beauty in what I believe. The first is the reason I can maintain relatively good relationships with people in general even though I am not among the upper echelons of the socially versed, and the second is the reason that I am a Christian and inside of that encompassing area of thought and practicality what is termed “reformed” in theological circles.

But my unkindness towards my parents loves to hide behind these self-perceptions, and that they are generally correct serves as a kind of pious shield of my own sin. The common problem of lust I can battle; the attitude of disrespect I find often impossible to combat. This maddening failure has defeated me time and again: why can I treat the worst of people with grace, and yet not do the same towards my parents?

It is, I think, a testament to the pride underlying the human condition and therefore the me-condition that allows me to thrive in open disobedience to God. Though I can consider myself among the gifted intellectuals and the people for whom compassion is no challenge, it is this basic primal fear of self-deprecation that drives me to my sin.

The solution to this is so simple, that if I were not so little moved by a respect for God in this element of the life I have been given in Christ, this attitudinal extension of the call to live in light and not in darkness, I would have long ago given up the foolish things I fight for. The solution is, as with all sin, to live in obedience to the glory of God. And yet it is so hard.

Resolved, many times: to live in consistency as it regards respecting my mother and father. Failed, many times: to live in consistency as it regards respecting my mother and father.